Kathryn Henry

1km

For today I will reshare this. It is a good explanation of financial abuse.

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1B9RVmuYUX/

Financial abuse is the one of the main forms of coercive control my abuser uses.

1km

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD).

Coercive control doesn't leave bruises like physical and sexual violence can, but it does indeed cause physical damage too. CPTSD is caused by exposure to multiple traumatic events and prolonged abuse.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD nearly 12 months ago. It is a brain injury.

My experience has been that NSW Police and the family court still require physical evidence before investigating domestic violence. Will the 'justice system' pay for me to get a brain scan?

I'm trying to keep it together, acting like losing my children didn't stop the world turning for me, trying to earn enough money to not be evicted, but honestly I'm exhausted. If I have not made that social event when I originally said I could, not answered the phone or I've taken a month to reply to an email, I'm sorry. It's not that I haven't wanted to. When I try to move, I panic and retreat into a ball crying instead. I'm afraid of anyone seeing me like this.

Why must I constantly justify myself but Peter hasn't had to answer to any of his abuse?

The rest here is copied from a post about a book I will read. I desperately hope perpetrators will be held accountable.

THE BRAIN DAMAGE NOBODY TALKS ABOUT

Psychological Abuse Causes Measurable Brain Damage. It’s Time to Prosecute It.

When someone physically assaults you, they can be charged with battery. When someone sexually assaults you, they can be charged with sexual assault. But when someone systematically abuses you psychologically for years, damaging your brain structure measurably and permanently, we call it “abuse” and often don’t prosecute at all.

This ends now.

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The Neurological Battery: Measurable Brain Damage

Survivors of psychological abuse don’t just feel traumatized. Their brains are damaged in measurable, documentable ways.

Hippocampal Atrophy: The part of your brain responsible for memory, learning, and emotional regulation shrinks by up to twelve percent in abuse survivors. This causes the memory problems, learning difficulties, and emotional dysregulation you experience.

Amygdala Hyperactivation: The threat-detection center of your brain becomes overactive, making you hypervigilant, anxious, and prone to panic attacks even in safe situations.

Prefrontal Cortex Dysfunction: The part of your brain responsible for rational decision-making, planning, and executive function becomes impaired, explaining why you struggle with choices and forward planning.

Autonomic Nervous System Dysregulation: Your nervous system gets stuck in fight-or-flight mode, keeping your body in constant stress response.

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This Is Equivalent to Torture

Research shows that the neurological damage in psychological abuse survivors is indistinguishable from that documented in torture survivors and combat veterans.

Your psychological abuse caused torture-level brain damage.

And currently, we have no adequate legal framework to prosecute this as the serious crime it is.

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Neurological Battery: A New Legal Category

In The Truth About Love-Bombing: Exposing Constructive Fraud of Intimacy, Daniel Ryan Cotler introduces Neurological Battery as a distinct crime: measurable brain damage inflicted through psychological abuse.

This category allows prosecutors to charge psychological abusers with battery (causing bodily injury) based on documented brain damage, just as if they had physically assaulted you.

Because they did. They assaulted your brain.

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From Victim-Blaming to Accountability

Right now, survivors blame themselves for not recovering faster, not functioning better, not being “fixed” by therapy.

But you suffered measurable brain damage. Your slow recovery isn’t weakness. It’s evidence of the severity of the abuse.

Understanding that you have Neurological Battery, not just “trauma,” changes everything.

It changes how you view yourself. It changes how medical professionals treat you. It changes how prosecutors charge predators.

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Available November 10th.

The Truth About Love-Bombing: Exposing Constructive Fraud of Intimacy — The book that makes prosecuting brain damage possible.

The voiceless are voiceless no more.

6kms

What are YOU doing to end gendered violence?

Change is slow. Fixing the 'system' that causes lifelong danage is taking too long. Change needs to start at the top but in my experience there are not many who are at the top of their career and willing to change their views and behaviour. The Judge I had didn't care that the Family Law Act had been updated, he said his opinion is more important 😥.

So, we need to start at the other end. Conversations in every household. I'm going to repost a picture of examples of abuse and one of a healthy relationship. Please reflect on your own understanding. Then discuss with your partner, and/or then children, and/or then your mates, and/or then in your work places.

I was uneducated and my ex was abusing me for 12 years before I understood what was happening. I grew up knowing my place was as a second-class citizen to men. When my ex used gender to control, I thought it was allowed because it was all I knew.

My story. Please be kind.

When I was 22, 18 months after the abuse began, Peter did something that upset me greatly. Deep down I knew it wasn't right and I thought I better take Andrew and leave him. I went to my parents for advice. My father was gobsmacked I could be so selfish to consider leaving Peter. He reminded me of my place as a woman. I was the mother of Peter's child and I am to do as he says.

Ashamed for thinking Andrew and I deserved better, I did as I was told and did not question the intent behind Peter's behaviour again, I ignored the ever present knot in my stomach. I have a mental illness so Peter was right, I was overthinking everything, it was the anxiety talking and I can't trust my own head. I deserved all he did to me, I made him do it. If I wasn't such an embarrassment and a burden, he wouldn't have to do those things. Family and friends echoed Peter, no-one else would put up with me like Peter does, I was so lucky to have him. I told everyone how wonderful he was, I always had an excuse ready for his actions and I constantly apologised to my children that I was their mother.

I was 32 before I actually opened my eyes and saw Peter's true colours. That's when I was really stupid. We went to couples counselling and learnt this was an abusive relationship. I asked Peter to stop abusing me - yes, I was that stupid, I actually asked him to stop to save our relationship. He said no and showed me the door. I was sooo naive to think going out that door was a safe thing to do. I don't know how to describe the intensity of the danger I have put my children and myself in for the last 4 and a half years.

I always thought Peter's friends were lovely. Knowing they are helping him abuse us since the truth came out hurts. I am disappointed but surprised by how much that betrayal hurts.

Please, PLEASE have a conversation with your mates about their romantic relationships! Like mental health, bring it out of the shadows. Talk about it, lead into the conversation with something such as "my partner and I are stressed about money, how do you deal with the bills in your home?" Talking about how you treat your partner, how they treat you, how you share household responsibilities, how you navigate money, is NOT off limits. If your mate is doing something that sounds controlling CALL THEM OUT, say "mate, that doesn't sound fair, how does your partner feel about that?" You could stop a behaviour before it escalates. You could save a life!

If you have concerns about a friend's behaviour but aren't comfortable confronting them, call 1800 RESPECT, or crime stoppers, or child protection if they have children. Loyalty to a friend is one thing and admirable. If they make a mistake, stand by them, but, if they are intentially hurting someone and you don't try to stop them, you are guilty of a crime too. Don't reward abuse.

3kms

Today I want to reiterate how subtle but dangerous coercive control is. My children are not safe and I'm terrified.

Being told "yeah... BUT when did he hit you?", is an uneducated response and protects the abuser.

COMPLETED HOMICIDES ARE FAR TOO OFTEN THE VERY FIRST ACT OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE after years of coercive control.

Taken from the NSW Government website:

Coercive control is strongly linked to intimate partner homicide.

A history of coercive and controlling behaviours in a relationship is a known precursor for intimate partner homicide. This can include both physical and non-physical violence.

The NSW Domestic Violence Death Review Team found about 97% of intimate partner domestic violence homicides in NSW between 2000 and 2022 were preceded by the perpetrator using emotional and psychological abuse as a form of coercive control towards the victim.1

In about 27% of intimate partner homicides that occurred between 2000 and 2022, there was no known history of physical violence before the victim was killed, according to the NSW Domestic Violence Death Review Team.2

The work of the NSW Domestic Violence Death Review Team shows that any intimate relationship where there is coercive control, be it physical or non-physical abuse, can become fatal.

Coercive control hurts children and young people

Living with abuse is distressing for children and young people. Even if the abuse isn’t directed at them, they may still witness and experience it.

The effects can be traumatising, ongoing and long lasting. They can build up over time and impact on every aspect of children's lives, including safety, health, development and wellbeing.

Find more information about the impacts of domestic and family violence on children and young people.

If you are a child or young person, or you’re worried about a child or young person, find out how to get help. https://www.nsw.gov.au/family-and-relationships/coercive-control/get-help

4kms.

Today I want to talk about children of coercively controlling abusers. Again, not all abuse leaves bruises (though if you're my ex, you can leave bruises on your son and simply tell the police you had to, and you get away with it). Physcial abuse, sexual abuse and coercive control are ALL abuse. ALL are forms of domestic and family violence and EVERY child in the home is a victim.

Abusers don't spare their children, the children are pawns in their game. Who cares if their child is hungry, as long as the mother is hungry too?!

As the children grow up and try to speak, the coercive control of them intensifies.

What type of a father threatens to humiliate their child by having them dragged out of school by the police for standing up to him? My children's father. An abuser.

The Family Law Act was updated to put children's safety first. No-one told our Judge, who insisted father's rights overall everything else including a child's protection from abuse.

If you have ANY concerns that a child is experiencing domestic and family violence at home, report your concern, you could save their life.

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1G1a1kFLji/

Walked 2kms.

Today's lesson:

BELIEVE HER!

(I acknowledge not all abusers are men but I'm speaking from my experience. My children and I are being abused by a man and gender plays a major role in how he is getting away with it.)

Opening up about what is happening is not easy. The shame of admitting you let this happen. If she is telling you how scared she is, she is desperate.

When being confided in, one of the cruelest responses you can give is to downplay her experience or point out the good interactions you've had with her abuser. This dismisses the seriousness of the situation and makes her feel more isolated than she physically is.

This is a lot to hear. If you're unsure what to say to a friend who confides in you. Say "Thank you for sharing it was brave. I see you, I hear you. This is not your fault." For advice of how to further support the victim call 1800 RESPECT.

Report the abuse. Call crime stoppers and child protection with your anonymous concerns. DON'T WAIT UNTIL THE VICTIMS ARE DEAD to use your voice.

While my physical goal is to walk at least 2K per day and raise $100, my real hope is to educate. Education, truth and change for good. Abusers held accountable and prevented from creating future victims. I will share some information, share some posts that hit home too hard and a little of the family violence my children and I are experiencing.

First lesson. Not all abuse causes bruises. I am broken and scared, but he never hit me. The coercive control began so subtly I didn't realise what was happening until it was too late.

There are many services for woman escaping DV, but these services are saturated with victims.

Why are there more services for victims then services to prevent perpetrators creating victims?

When will the legal and child protection system be fixed to stop systemic abuse?

When will the dismissal of the very real danger from perpetrators stop for people living with mental health conditions?

I have signed up to walk 30kms over 16 days (30 kms isn't a lot for an able-bodied person, but it will be an achievement for me as my trauma has left me struggling to leave the house), raising heaps of money to help bring change would be great but awareness and education is my top priority. Please learn what coercive control is and understand how dangerous it is to "just leave".

I was stupid. I tried to escape. My children now live with our abuser and I lost everything. I'm scared every day.

If your mate is abusing their partner, ex-partner or children STOP protecting them.

Nothing will change if no-one calls out the abusers.

A father who can hurt the mother of their children IS abusing their children.